Rituals of Connection

Sometimes life can feel ever-changing. The economy is not always stable, jobs and loved ones can be lost, and friendship might end. Positive changes can happen, too. You might get a promotion, grow your family, or buy a new home. Even our day-to-day emotions can be changing like the weather in the Midwest. Sometimes we crave stability and consistency in the middle of these inevitable changes. This is why having rituals of connection with your loved ones is necessary and encouraged if you desire closeness and secure relationships.

What are rituals of connection? These are moments or recurring habits of intentionally connecting to another individual. They are specific to that relationship and can occur daily, weekly, or other periodic moments. Oftentimes, couples develop rituals of connection in their departures and returns. It might be a kiss before bed at night. It can be a warm welcome home hug. Maybe, you and your spouse take a walk together after dinner or Sunday morning coffee in bed. Regularly celebrating special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries can also increase a sense of secure connection.

Each of these moments signals to your brain, “I belong here.” Attachment Science shows us that we long to feel a sense of belonging in relationships. We ask ourselves, “Do I matter to you? Will you be there for me?” When you have repetitive and expected moments of connecting with loved ones, it creates a safe haven and secure base. A safe haven is a place of refuge during times of trouble. When your world is changing and life feels wobbly, having a positive relationship with your partner can feel like a sense of safety and comfort. A secure base is a sense of believing you can take risks, leave, and return knowing your partner will be there to welcome you home. An image depicting this, is a child at the playground running off to play with new friends and returning to check in with mom or dad before going back to playing again. As an adult, you can go to work, or on a trip, and feel comfortable because through these rituals, you have created an expectation of being received positively upon your return.

Rituals of connection also keep you from the mundane “roommate” feeling developing. Schedules can quickly become full of appointments, sports, meetings, and other responsibilities. You might find yourself going a week without being able to touch base with your spouse. If you make these habits of joining with your partner, you develop a solid foundation in your relationship. This also shows that you have not lost a sense of “us” despite the changes in your lives.

Here are some other rituals ideas:

·         Sharing meals as a family

·         Leaving encouraring sticky notes

·         Picking a specific night of the week to be intimate

·         Daily devotionals/prayer together

·         Holiday traditions

·         Road trip playlists

·         Sitting on your porch or by a fire

·         Afternoon check in calls or texts

·         Dancing together after dinner

Try to come up with your own or to recognize the rituals you currently have that you desire to maintain.